Beards are great! I’m talking about real beards. The kind where you throw away your razors and trimmers, smash all the mirrors in your house, and try to forget you even grow hair on your face. So, don’t talk to me about some freaky neck-beard or anything else that involves careful grooming. The only kind of beard that is worth having is a real beard. Although, some exceptions can be made for gnarly goatees.
There are so many great reasons to grow a beard. A beard can keep your face warm in those cold winter months. They are perfect for storing crumbs of food and savory sauces for late night snacking. A beard can make you look wise and dignified like Moses or Socrates. If you like your solitude, a beard can also make you look like a psychotic ax murder, and thus frighten away anyone who could potentially have a conversation with you. If you want to be super awesome, you can let your beard fester and become all dreadlocked and nasty like kick-ass pirate!
If you won’t listen to me, at least consider heeding Shakespeare:
"He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man."
-Shakespeare, William. “Much Ado About Nothing.” Act II, Scene I.