Have You Ever Made a K-Cup… ?

Have you ever made a K-Cup in your single-cup coffee brewer and then realized that you never actually put a K-Cup in the damn thing?  So, you end up with a cup of hot water.  Or, better yet: A cup of milky, sweetened hot water (my personal favorite).  Anyway, that’s just the best; a fantastic kick-in-the-junk way to start another kick-in-the-ass day.  Good times.

Jaw-Dropping Study: Television—Ubiquitous Since Mid-Twentieth Century—Still Just Mindless Crap

Abstract:

I don’t watch television much. So, I watched the first few episodes (each) of some of the more recent, popular television series recommended by various people. I found these shows extremely overrated.

Experimental Method:

  1. Watch a little T.V.
  2. Pass sweeping judgement on all television.

Data:

  • Game of Thrones is the newest most boring thing ever except for Dexter, which is also the most boring thing ever.
  • I’m not going to bother talking about the popular vampire shows, because vampires are emo twits who hickey people to death and burst into flames if they miss their bedtime.
  • I haven’t gotten around to Breaking Bad yet.
  • The Walking Dead is actually pretty good.  So, one point for T.V.

Conclusion:

Television turns you into a mindless zombie that craves the savory flavor of human flesh.  So, stop rotting like a corpse beneath the sickly flickering light of reality television.  Cease your endless consumption of pulpy diarrhea.  Get out there and do something!

I back my conclusion with the ostensible implications of the rather extensive data (above), which was compiled at the expense of great of time and effort.  Meticulous care was taken at every step of the experimentation process to ensure the collection of high quality data samples.

The portions of this paper that describe the data gathering process in detail, and the section where I connect the data to my conclusions, fall outside the scope of this paper.

References:

  • Doctor Nick Riviera.

Gategate

Dear Media and Politicos,

Henceforth, we order you to cease and desist attaching the suffix “-gate” to every epithet used to describe any real or imaginary political scandal.  You are correct to infer that many of us are dumber than a box of hair, but we don’t need every alleged governmental wrongdoing (without exception) to be linked mnemonically with Watergate in order to remember that you would like us to disapprove.

-Sincerely,
       Everyone in America

A Midwinter Night’s Dream

Lisa Murkowski was in my dream last night. Don’t worry, she was fully clothed (thank God). But, it was a very strange dream indeed. It had lots of odd and disparate things in it. It is quickly fading from memory (as all dreams do).

There was some kind of Chinese buffet I was at for a while. And then I had to clean up a lot of garbage, including many long strands of hair that were scattered around. I stepped in a turd and tracked it around. I was on an airplane at one point talking with politicians (this is where Murkowski enters the picture). And, I was asked to explain my political beliefs to a man who was definitely going to give me an earful of the usual stuff I hear about my opinions. So, I was not eager to bother trying. I think the plane crashed, and I ended up in some kind of Kung-Fu fight in a very dojo-like courtyard, after which I was able to open a treasure chest full of rare pop culture collectibles—which I gave away to strangers. I’ve forgotten the rest.

Anyone care to do a Freudian analysis? Where does the phallic symbol come in?

If You Want My Sriracha, Come and Take It!

I don’t know if you, my dear reader, have seen this terrible, terrible news:

Brace yourself for the #srirachapocalypse

This, my friends, is EXACTLY why we can’t have nice things!

 

First, lemme offer up a quick prayer:

Lordy!  Be merciful!  Have pity on our wretchedness!  We need our crushed raw chilis.  We don’t care about the potential bacteria in the damn bottles.  Those little squirmies add flavor and strengthen our immune systems—which you were kind enough to bless us with, by the way.  And, don’t think we aren’t super greatful for that.  Of course, you could just not have invented disease at all, but that really isn’t the point.

Anyway, I know I haven’t exactly ever been a big believer and all.  In fact, I am sort of what you may refer to as a “heathen.”  But, there comes a point in a man’s life when he must gaze into the Abyss and reevaluate his positions on things.  And, I am doing that right now!

I repent!  Please!  Oh, please!  I promise I will never speed up to splash puddles of water over pedestrians waiting at the bus stop again.  I’ll stop pushing all the buttons in the elevator and then farting before I step out!  I will always put the toilet seat down!  I’ll won’t give another atomic wedgie for the rest of my life… unless someone really needs one!  Just PLEASE, deliver us our daily hot sauce!

 

Okay, faithful reader, I’ve been reviewing some literature and I think I have found some relevant information in the Bible about this very event!

And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.” -Revelation 8:1

Now, the way I read this, we have about 30 Heaven-minutes (whatever that translates into) to consume as much Sriracha as we can get our hands on before the angels start dropping holy vials of God-wrath on our asses.

So, hurry! Get to the supermarket now!  Buy out all the Sriracha you can!  This is it, folks! The big one!

I told ya!  I told ya this would happen!  I warned you!  But, did you listen?  NoOoOoOo!  Are you laughing now?  I don’t think so!

Now, go! Go! Hurry, while there is still time!!!1!!

A USB Miracle!!!1!

I plugged a cable into a USB port and I guessed the right direction on the first try!

Never. Happened. Before.

My personal record now stands a 1 success and roughly 200,000 failures to orient the plug correctly on the first try

I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m a little spooked. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen. It’s a bit like winning the lottery twice in the same day and then being crushed by a piece of falling space junk while jumping up and down hysterically in your front lawn.

So, good omen? A sign of the end times? What should I do?

Could You Please Grab Me There Again—A Little Harder This Time?

So, this article drew my attention: TSA screening works only ‘a little better than chance,’ according to government report.

And, I have managed to procure a gen-u-whine™ totally not made up list of the TSA’s official tips for screeners to help them spot the bad guys.  So, without further ado:

Suspicious

  1. People who resemble your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who you are still really mad at.
  2. That dude whose eye accidentally crossed paths with yours for a second.
  3. Guy in turban.
  4. Lady in burka.
  5. That dude who cautiously avoided making eye contact with you.
  6. People with “non-conventional” skin tones (e.g., brown, fallow, earth yellow, ochre, dark brown, chestnut, russet, medium brown, coffee, bronze, sepia, light brown, tawny, copper, burnt umber, sandy brown, chocolate, raw umber, desert sand, sienna, brownish brown).
  7. Hot chicks/dudes, or people whose gender is not readily determinable (which may also be hot). 
  8. Grandma.
  9. Person speaking non-English gibberish (obviously terrorist talk). 
  10. Person speaking English with an accent that doesn’t involve saying “ya’ll” a lot.
  11. Those who are wheelchair bound, or have crutches, casts, walkers, etc. (good hiding places for bombs and whatnot).
  12. Person who did not draw any particular attention to themselves at all (a clear indication that they have been specially trained by Al-Qaeda to avoid TSA screeners).

Not Suspicious

  1. Guy in sunglasses, baseball cap, and anti-IRS t-shirt who is carrying a loaded AR-15 slung over his shoulder.
  2. Disheveled man in trench coat with bare legs who intermittently talks loudly to himself and claws at the skin on his arms screaming about ants. 
  3. Person who has been standing at entrance all day staring at you (good eye contact) while making a crossing motion with his hand across his throat (ASL?).
  4. Shirtless, long-haired Ted Nugent in loincloth and real snake-skin moccasins with flint knife tucked in waistband, crazed violent look in eye, and thin trickle of blood coming from corner of mouth.
  5. People with conventional skin tones (e.g., white, ivory, snow, eggshell white, seashell, antique white, pearl, cream, ghost white, floral white, white smoke, day glow white).

The Facebook

Back in my day, the Facebook was something that happened in the college library when sleep deprived graduate students finally succumb to their study-induced exhaustion. Upon waking up, they would blink a few times, and stumble off for a cup of 3-day-old coffee, completely unaware of the ink-print from the obscure scientific journal they were drooling over that had transferred onto their face like Silly Putty peeled off a newspaper.

These days, all the kids go around talking about the Facebook.  But, it’s not the REAL Facebook.  It’s some kinda new-fangled Interwebz thing.  But, old-timers like me have read this book before: It’s the same old boring story written in a fancy new sans serif font.  This Facebook is just another mindless fad, like rock and roll music, the so-called “motor car,” the television set, and antibiotics.
And, for the last time: Git yer pampered keester OFF mah lawn!

It’s Not the Size of the State That Matters…

…It’s how you use it!  In which case, both Alaska and Texas fail.

I found this novelty map in my garage.  I think it must have come from my grandmother’s estate, but I have no memory of it.  She was especially fond of collecting novelties, so this looks exactly like something she would have found especially hilarious.

Note the accurate representation of the size of Texas vs. other states; especially, Alaska and Florida (which is looking a bit flaccid).  The date on the map is 1948: Before Alaska was even a U. S. State!

According to Alaskans, there exists a deep rivalry between Texas and Alaska.  Now, I am from Texas, and I had never heard of this supposed rivalry until I moved up here, so I’m thinking that it may be kinda’ one-directional.  On the other hand, the way Alaska is squeezed on this map lends some credence to the rivalry narrative.

Anyway, I have re-framed this and hung it on my wall.