Those who do not pass history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who do not pass history are doomed to repeat it.
Have you ever made a K-Cup in your single-cup coffee brewer and then realized that you never actually put a K-Cup in the damn thing? So, you end up with a cup of hot water. Or, better yet: A cup of milky, sweetened hot water (my personal favorite). Anyway, that’s just the best; a fantastic kick-in-the-junk way to start another kick-in-the-ass day. Good times.
I don’t watch television much. So, I watched the first few episodes (each) of some of the more recent, popular television series recommended by various people. I found these shows extremely overrated.
Television turns you into a mindless zombie that craves the savory flavor of human flesh. So, stop rotting like a corpse beneath the sickly flickering light of reality television. Cease your endless consumption of pulpy diarrhea. Get out there and do something!
I back my conclusion with the ostensible implications of the rather extensive data (above), which was compiled at the expense of great of time and effort. Meticulous care was taken at every step of the experimentation process to ensure the collection of high quality data samples.
The portions of this paper that describe the data gathering process in detail, and the section where I connect the data to my conclusions, fall outside the scope of this paper.
Dear Media and Politicos,
Henceforth, we order you to cease and desist attaching the suffix “-gate” to every epithet used to describe any real or imaginary political scandal. You are correct to infer that many of us are dumber than a box of hair, but we don’t need every alleged governmental wrongdoing (without exception) to be linked mnemonically with Watergate in order to remember that you would like us to disapprove.
Everyone in America
Inspired by my Facebook experience, I’ve made an addition to a classic aphorism:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and the friend of my friend is my friend’s friend.
Poignant, I think.
I don’t know if you, my dear reader, have seen this terrible, terrible news:
This, my friends, is EXACTLY why we can’t have nice things!
First, lemme offer up a quick prayer:
Lordy! Be merciful! Have pity on our wretchedness! We need our crushed raw chilis. We don’t care about the potential bacteria in the damn bottles. Those little squirmies add flavor and strengthen our immune systems—which you were kind enough to bless us with, by the way. And, don’t think we aren’t super greatful for that. Of course, you could just not have invented disease at all, but that really isn’t the point.
Anyway, I know I haven’t exactly ever been a big believer and all. In fact, I am sort of what you may refer to as a “heathen.” But, there comes a point in a man’s life when he must gaze into the Abyss and reevaluate his positions on things. And, I am doing that right now!
I repent! Please! Oh, please! I promise I will never speed up to splash puddles of water over pedestrians waiting at the bus stop again. I’ll stop pushing all the buttons in the elevator and then farting before I step out! I will always put the toilet seat down! I’ll won’t give another atomic wedgie for the rest of my life… unless someone really needs one! Just PLEASE, deliver us our daily hot sauce!
Okay, faithful reader, I’ve been reviewing some literature and I think I have found some relevant information in the Bible about this very event!
“And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.” -Revelation 8:1
Now, the way I read this, we have about 30 Heaven-minutes (whatever that translates into) to consume as much Sriracha as we can get our hands on before the angels start dropping holy vials of God-wrath on our asses.
So, hurry! Get to the supermarket now! Buy out all the Sriracha you can! This is it, folks! The big one!
I told ya! I told ya this would happen! I warned you! But, did you listen? NoOoOoOo! Are you laughing now? I don’t think so!
Now, go! Go! Hurry, while there is still time!!!1!!
I plugged a cable into a USB port and I guessed the right direction on the first try!
Never. Happened. Before.
My personal record now stands a 1 success and roughly 200,000 failures to orient the plug correctly on the first try
I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m a little spooked. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen. It’s a bit like winning the lottery twice in the same day and then being crushed by a piece of falling space junk while jumping up and down hysterically in your front lawn.
So, good omen? A sign of the end times? What should I do?
So, I was watching an episode of The Walking Dead, and as I watched the rotting undead savagely eating another helpless victim alive, I started to wonder: Do zombies poop? If not, where does all that stuff they eat go? If so, why don’t our heroes ever stumble upon a zombie on the crapper?
So, this article drew my attention: TSA screening works only ‘a little better than chance,’ according to government report.
And, I have managed to procure a gen-u-whine™ totally not made up list of the TSA’s official tips for screeners to help them spot the bad guys. So, without further ado:
…It’s how you use it! In which case, both Alaska and Texas fail.
I found this novelty map in my garage. I think it must have come from my grandmother’s estate, but I have no memory of it. She was especially fond of collecting novelties, so this looks exactly like something she would have found especially hilarious.
Note the accurate representation of the size of Texas vs. other states; especially, Alaska and Florida (which is looking a bit flaccid). The date on the map is 1948: Before Alaska was even a U. S. State!
According to Alaskans, there exists a deep rivalry between Texas and Alaska. Now, I am from Texas, and I had never heard of this supposed rivalry until I moved up here, so I’m thinking that it may be kinda’ one-directional. On the other hand, the way Alaska is squeezed on this map lends some credence to the rivalry narrative.
Anyway, I have re-framed this and hung it on my wall.