Clearly Disoriented
Have You Ever Made a K-Cup… ?

Have you ever made a K-Cup in your single-cup coffee brewer and then realized that you never actually put a K-Cup in the damn thing?  So, you end up with a cup of hot water.  Or, better yet: A cup of milky, sweetened hot water (my personal favorite).  Anyway, that’s just the best; a fantastic kick-in-the-junk way to start another kick-in-the-ass day.  Good times.

Jaw-Dropping Study: Television—Ubiquitous Since Mid-Twentieth Century—Still Just Mindless Crap

Abstract:

I don’t watch television much. So, I watched the first few episodes (each) of some of the more recent, popular television series recommended by various people. I found these shows extremely overrated.

Experimental Method:

  1. Watch a little T.V.
  2. Pass sweeping judgement on all television.

Data:

  • Game of Thrones is the newest most boring thing ever except for Dexter, which is also the most boring thing ever.
  • I’m not going to bother talking about the popular vampire shows, because vampires are emo twits who hickey people to death and burst into flames if they miss their bedtime.
  • I haven’t gotten around to Breaking Bad yet.
  • The Walking Dead is actually pretty good.  So, one point for T.V.

Conclusion:

Television turns you into a mindless zombie that craves the savory flavor of human flesh.  So, stop rotting like a corpse beneath the sickly flickering light of reality television.  Cease your endless consumption of pulpy diarrhea.  Get out there and do something!

I back my conclusion with the ostensible implications of the rather extensive data (above), which was compiled at the expense of great of time and effort.  Meticulous care was taken at every step of the experimentation process to ensure the collection of high quality data samples.

The portions of this paper that describe the data gathering process in detail, and the section where I connect the data to my conclusions, fall outside the scope of this paper.

References:

  • Doctor Nick Riviera.
Quote Troll turned 1 today!
As of today, Quote Troll has been bringing you quotes for 1 full year! Hooray! That cupcake is making me hungry… It’s got sprinkles…

Quote Troll turned 1 today!

As of today, Quote Troll has been bringing you quotes for 1 full year! Hooray! That cupcake is making me hungry… It’s got sprinkles…

Gategate

Dear Media and Politicos,

Henceforth, we order you to cease and desist attaching the suffix “-gate” to every epithet used to describe any real or imaginary political scandal.  You are correct to infer that many of us are dumber than a box of hair, but we don’t need every alleged governmental wrongdoing (without exception) to be linked mnemonically with Watergate in order to remember that you would like us to disapprove.

-Sincerely,
       Everyone in America

Frienemies

Inspired by my Facebook experience, I’ve made an addition to a classic aphorism:

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and the friend of my friend is my friend’s friend.

Poignant, I think.

A Midwinter Night’s Dream
Lisa Murkowski was in my dream last night. Don’t worry, she was fully clothed (thank God). But, it was a very strange dream indeed. It had lots of odd and disparate things in it. It is quickly fading from memory (as all dreams do).

There was some kind of Chinese buffet I was at for a while. And then I had to clean up a lot of garbage, including many long strands of hair that were scattered around. I stepped in a turd and tracked it around. I was on an airplane at one point talking with politicians (this is where Murkowski enters the picture). And, I was asked to explain my political beliefs to a man who was definitely going to give me an earful of the usual stuff I hear about my opinions. So, I was not eager to bother trying. I think the plane crashed, and I ended up in some kind of Kung-Fu fight in a very dojo-like courtyard, after which I was able to open a treasure chest full of rare pop culture collectibles—which I gave away to strangers. I’ve forgotten the rest.

Anyone care to do a Freudian analysis? Where does the phallic symbol come in?
If You Want My Sriracha, Come and Take It!

I don’t know if you, my dear reader, have seen this terrible, terrible news:

Brace yourself for the #srirachapocalypse

This, my friends, is EXACTLY why we can’t have nice things!

 

First, lemme offer up a quick prayer:

Lordy!  Be merciful!  Have pity on our wretchedness!  We need our crushed raw chilis.  We don’t care about the potential bacteria in the damn bottles.  Those little squirmies add flavor and strengthen our immune systems—which you were kind enough to bless us with, by the way.  And, don’t think we aren’t super greatful for that.  Of course, you could just not have invented disease at all, but that really isn’t the point.

Anyway, I know I haven’t exactly ever been a big believer and all.  In fact, I am sort of what you may refer to as a “heathen.”  But, there comes a point in a man’s life when he must gaze into the Abyss and reevaluate his positions on things.  And, I am doing that right now!

I repent!  Please!  Oh, please!  I promise I will never speed up to splash puddles of water over pedestrians waiting at the bus stop again.  I’ll stop pushing all the buttons in the elevator and then farting before I step out!  I will always put the toilet seat down!  I’ll won’t give another atomic wedgie for the rest of my life… unless someone really needs one!  Just PLEASE, deliver us our daily hot sauce!

 

Okay, faithful reader, I’ve been reviewing some literature and I think I have found some relevant information in the Bible about this very event!

And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.” -Revelation 8:1

Now, the way I read this, we have about 30 Heaven-minutes (whatever that translates into) to consume as much Sriracha as we can get our hands on before the angels start dropping holy vials of God-wrath on our asses.

So, hurry! Get to the supermarket now!  Buy out all the Sriracha you can!  This is it, folks! The big one!

I told ya!  I told ya this would happen!  I warned you!  But, did you listen?  NoOoOoOo!  Are you laughing now?  I don’t think so!

Now, go! Go! Hurry, while there is still time!!!1!!

The Rise of the Robots!
Good news, everyone! I’ve just invented a machine that can enjoy all of our leisure activities autonomously so that we can have more time for pointless, unsatisfying busywork!
Thought du Jour: Keyboards are Super Gross
In terms of germ exposure, every time you use a public computer terminal it’s the equivalent of giving a glove-less proctological examination to every single person who has every used that workstation before.

Enjoy your lunch.
A USB Miracle!!!1!

I plugged a cable into a USB port and I guessed the right direction on the first try!

Never. Happened. Before.

My personal record now stands a 1 success and roughly 200,000 failures to orient the plug correctly on the first try

I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m a little spooked. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen. It’s a bit like winning the lottery twice in the same day and then being crushed by a piece of falling space junk while jumping up and down hysterically in your front lawn.

So, good omen? A sign of the end times? What should I do?